What King David’s Wives Taught Me About My Husband’s Heart
Part 4 of a 7-Part Series for Wives Who Want to Understand Their Husbands Deeply
Abigail – The Art of Wise Influence
Dear Fellow Wives,
We’ve journeyed through belief with Michal and presence with Ahinoam. Today, I want to share with you the story of a woman whose experience can revolutionize how we approach one of marriage’s most delicate challenges: how to influence our spouses toward wisdom without controlling, manipulating, or undermining their autonomy.
Her name was Abigail, and she was originally married to a fool named Nabal. But through one pivotal encounter with David, she demonstrated something so beautiful and powerful that it changed the trajectory of both their lives. She showed us the art of wise influence—and it’s nothing like what I thought it would be.
The Woman Married to a Fool
Let me paint the picture for you…
Abigail was married to Nabal, whose name literally means “fool.” The Bible describes him as “surly and mean in his dealings,” while she was “an intelligent and beautiful woman” (1 Samuel 25:3).
Can you imagine? Here was a wise, discerning woman tied to a man who consistently made terrible decisions. She watched him alienate people, make enemies, and endanger their entire household through his foolishness and pride.
If anyone had a right to be frustrated with her husband’s poor judgment, it was Abigail. If anyone could have justified taking control, stepping in, or publicly correcting her husband, it was her.
But that’s not what she did.
When I first read her story, I thought it would be about how she finally stood up to Nabal and put him in his place. I expected a story about a strong woman taking charge when her husband couldn’t. Instead, I found something far more profound: a masterclass in the kind of influence that actually works.
The Crisis That Changed Everything
Here’s what happened: David and his men had been protecting Nabal’s shepherds and flocks in the wilderness. When it came time for sheep shearing—a traditional time of celebration and generosity—David sent messengers to Nabal asking for provisions for his men. It was a reasonable request. David’s men had essentially provided security services, and he was politely asking for payment.
Nabal’s response was insulting and dismissive: “Who is this David? Who is this son of Jesse? Many servants are breaking away from their masters these days. Why should I take my bread and water, and the meat I have slaughtered for my shearers, and give it to men coming from who knows where?” (1 Samuel 25:10-11).
David was furious. He strapped on his sword and headed toward Nabal’s household with 400 armed men, determined to kill every male in the family. His exact words were: “May God deal with David, be it ever so severely, if by morning I leave alive one male of all who belong to him!” (1 Samuel 25:22).
This is where Abigail enters the story. One of the servants ran to her and said, “David sent messengers from the wilderness to give our master his greetings, but he hurled insults at them. Yet these men were very good to us… Now think it over and see what you can do, because disaster is hanging over our master and his whole household. He is such a wicked man that no one can talk to him” (1 Samuel 25:14-17).
The Moment of Truth: How Abigail Responded
Here’s where I expected Abigail to march up to Nabal and say, “Look what you’ve done now! Your pride and stupidity are going to get us all killed!” I thought she’d give him a piece of her mind, demand he fix his mess, or publicly shame him into making things right.
Instead, she did something that took my breath away: She took responsibility for the solution without undermining her husband’s authority.
The Bible says, “Abigail acted quickly. She took two hundred loaves of bread, two skins of wine, five dressed sheep, five seahs of roasted grain, a hundred cakes of raisins, and two hundred cakes of pressed figs, and loaded them on donkeys. Then she told her servants, ‘Go on ahead; I’ll follow you.’ But she did not tell her husband Nabal” (1 Samuel 25:18-19).
Let that sink in…
She didn’t ask for permission. She didn’t argue with Nabal. She didn’t waste time trying to convince a foolish man to be wise. She simply acted to protect her household, her servants, and yes, even her foolish husband.
Abigail’s Masterclass
When Abigail met David on the road, what she did next taught me everything I needed to know about godly influence. She didn’t bash her husband, didn’t make excuses for him, and didn’t try to distance herself from his actions.
Instead, she:
1. Took Ownership:
“Pardon your servant, my lord, and let me speak to you; hear what your servant has to say. Please pay no attention, my lord, to that wicked man Nabal. He is just like his name—his name means Fool, and folly goes with him. And as for me, your servant, I did not see the men my lord sent” (1 Samuel 25:24-25).
2. Appealed to His Higher Nature:
She reminded David of who he was called to be and what kind of king he wanted to become.
She said, “When the Lord your God has fulfilled for my lord every good thing he promised concerning him and has appointed him ruler over Israel, my lord will not have on his conscience the staggering burden of needless bloodshed” (1 Samuel 25:30-31).
3. Offered a Better Path:
Instead of just criticizing David’s plan for revenge, she provided an alternative that honored his strength while protecting his integrity.
4. Trusted God with the Results:
She didn’t try to control the outcome. She presented her case with wisdom and respect, then trusted God to work in David’s heart.
David’s response was immediate and profound: “Praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel, who has sent you today to meet me. May you be blessed for your good judgment and for keeping me from bloodshed this day and from avenging myself with my own hands” (1 Samuel 25:32-33).
What Abigail Didn’t Do (And What I Used to Do)
As I studied Abigail’s approach, I realized how different it was from my own attempts to influence my spouse.
Here’s what she didn’t do:
- She didn’t lecture. She didn’t give David a sermon about the wrongness of revenge or the importance of self-control.
- She didn’t manipulate. She didn’t use tears, guilt, or emotional pressure to get her way.
- She didn’t attack David’s character. She didn’t call him hot-headed, impulsive, or unfit for leadership.
- She didn’t publicly shame her husband. Even though Nabal had acted foolishly, she didn’t throw him under the bus or humiliate him in front of David.
- She didn’t make it about her. She didn’t say, “How could you do this to me?” or make David’s decision about her feelings. Instead, she appealed to the best in David—his calling, his character, his future. She helped him see a bigger picture than his immediate anger.
The Transformation Power of Wise Influence
Here’s what happened next: David accepted Abigail’s gifts, listened to her wisdom, and turned his men around. No bloodshed. No revenge. No regret.
But the story gets even better. When Abigail returned home, she found Nabal drunk and celebrating. Rather than confront him in his compromised state, she waited until morning when he was sober to tell him what had happened.
The Bible says that when Nabal heard what his wife had done—how close he had come to destruction and how she had saved him—”his heart failed him and he became like a stone. About ten days later, the Lord struck Nabal and he died” (1 Samuel 25:37-38).
When David heard that Nabal was dead, he sent for Abigail and asked her to become his wife. She accepted and became one of his most valued companions. Abigail became the third wife of King David. She bore him a son, Daniel, also called Chileab, his secondborn. (1 Chronicles 3:1)
Think about it: Abigail’s wise influence not only saved lives in the moment, but it also positioned her to have even greater influence in the future.
What This Teaches Us About Influencing Our Husbands
Abigail’s story taught me that there’s a world of difference between godly influence and ungodly control. Here’s what I learned:
Godly Influence:
- Appeals to his best self
- Trusts God with the outcome
- Speaks truth with respect
- Offers solutions, not just criticism
- Protects his dignity even when he’s wrong
- Takes responsibility for what she can control
Ungodly Control:
- Focuses on his failures
- Tries to manipulate the outcome
- Speaks truth with contempt
- Points out problems without offering help
- Publicly shames or embarrasses him
- Tries to control what only he can control
When Your Spouse Makes Poor Decisions
I know some of you are thinking, “But what if my husband is making decisions that are hurting our family? What if he’s being foolish like Nabal? Doesn’t godly submission mean I just have to sit back and watch?”
Abigail’s example shows us that there’s a third option between passive submission and controlling rebellion. We can take wise action to protect what we’re called to steward while still honoring our husband’s leadership.
Here’s what this might look like:
- If he’s making unwise financial decisions: You can’t control his choices, but you can take responsibility for what’s in your sphere—maybe by finding ways to increase income, reduce expenses, or protect certain assets.
- If he’s neglecting his health: You can’t force him to exercise or eat well, but you can control what you cook, how you stock your kitchen, and whether you invite him to join you in healthy activities.
- If he’s not leading spiritually: You can’t make him be the spiritual leader, but you can create an environment that makes spiritual leadership easier and more attractive.
- If he’s struggling with anger or harsh words: You can’t control his emotions, but you can control your responses, set appropriate boundaries, and refuse to engage in destructive patterns.
The Abigail Approach: Practical Steps
This Week’s Challenge:
Monday: Appeal to His Best Self
Instead of criticizing what your husband is doing wrong, identify one area where you’d like to see change and think about how to appeal to his strengths. What kind of man does he want to be? How can you help him see that vision?
Tuesday: Offer Solutions, Not Just Problems
If there’s an issue you need to discuss with your husband, come prepared with at least two potential solutions. Don’t just present the problem—help him see possible paths forward.
Wednesday: Protect His Dignity
If your husband makes a mistake or a poor choice, resist the urge to say “I told you so” or discuss it with others. Instead, focus on how you can help address the consequences without shaming him.
Thursday: Take Responsibility for Your Sphere
Identify one area where your husband’s choices are affecting your family negatively. Instead of trying to change him, ask: “What can I do within my sphere of responsibility to help our family thrive despite this challenge?”
Friday: Speak Truth with Respect
If you need to have a difficult conversation with your husband, practice the Abigail approach: acknowledge his good intentions, speak truth gently, offer alternatives, and trust God with the results.
Weekend: Affirm His Leadership
Look for opportunities to publicly affirm your husband’s leadership and decision-making, especially in areas where he’s growing or improving.
When Influence Doesn’t Work
I need to address something important: sometimes, no matter how wisely we approach our husbands, they still make poor choices. Nabal didn’t change his behavior because of Abigail’s wise influence—he remained a fool until the day he died.
But here’s what I learned from Abigail’s example: Our job isn’t to change our husbands. Our job is to be the women God has called us to be and trust Him with the results.
Abigail couldn’t change Nabal, but she could protect her household. She couldn’t make him wise, but she could act wisely herself. She couldn’t control his legacy, but she could be faithful to her own calling.
And in the end, God honored her faithfulness by giving her influence with a man who valued wisdom—David.
The Long View of Influence
Here’s what I’ve learned about influence in marriage: it’s not about winning arguments or getting your way in the moment. It’s about consistently demonstrating wisdom, respect, and faithfulness over time until your spouse learns to trust your judgment and seek your counsel.
Influence is earned through faithfulness, not demanded through force.
The Heart Behind Wise Influence
The most beautiful thing about Abigail’s story is that her influence flowed from love, not frustration. She wasn’t trying to prove she was smarter than the men around her or show them how things should be done. She was trying to protect people she cared about and honor God in the process.
That’s the heart behind godly influence—love that seeks the best for others, wisdom that sees the bigger picture, and faith that trusts God with outcomes we can’t control.
When our influence flows from this kind of heart, it becomes a gift to our husbands rather than a burden. It becomes a way of serving rather than controlling. It becomes a reflection of God’s own patient, persistent love for us.
Let us pray:
Heavenly Father,
Give me the wisdom of Abigail, to know when to speak and when to act, when to step in and when to step back. Help me influence my husband through love, not manipulation; through respect, not control. Show me what’s in my sphere of responsibility and give me the courage to act wisely within it. Help me trust You with the outcomes I cannot control and be faithful in the areas where I can make a difference. Make me a woman whose influence draws others toward wisdom and righteousness.
In Jesus’ Name. AMEN.
Next week: Part 5 – Maacah: Understanding His Need for Honor
We’ll explore how David’s relationship with Maacah teaches us about the deep masculine need for honor and respect, and how we can meet this need. Respect is given, not earned.
What’s one area where you could take more responsibility instead of trying to change your husband? How might the Abigail approach transform a challenging situation in your marriage? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.
With love,
Faith Murithi, FAMU.
Faith. Align. Move. Unfold.
P.S. Remember, wise influence takes time to develop. If you’ve been approaching your husband with criticism or control, it may take a while for him to trust your new approach. Be patient with the process and with yourself. Small changes in how you influence can create profound transformation over time.
