What King David’s Wives Taught Me About My Husband’s Heart
Part 5 of a 7-Part Series for Wives Who Want to Understand Their Husbands Deeply
Dear Fellow Wives,
We’ve walked through belief with Michal, presence with Ahinoam, and wise influence with Abigail. Today, I want to share something that completely transformed how I see my spouse’s deepest emotional needs—a lesson I learned from one of David’s most mysterious wives, Maacah.
Her story isn’t long or detailed in Scripture, but what we do know about her reveals something profound about the masculine heart that I wish someone had told me years ago: Men don’t just want love—they desperately need honor.
And there’s a world of difference between the two.
Meeting Maacah: The Princess Who Brought Honor
Maacah was a princess, the daughter of King Talmai of Geshur. Talmai was the king of Geshur, a small Aramean kingdom located northeast of the Sea of Galilee. When David married her, it wasn’t just a love match—it was a political alliance that brought honor, status, and strategic advantage to David’s growing kingdom. Her story is found in the Old Testament, particularly in the books of 2 Samuel and 1 Chronicles.
Think about what this meant for David. Here was a foreign king who was willing to give his daughter to the former shepherd boy from Bethlehem. This marriage said to the world: “David is worthy of royal alliance. He’s not just some upstart—he’s a king who commands respect from other kings.”
When I first read about Maacah, I’ll be honest, I was bothered by the political nature of their marriage. It seemed cold, calculating, and unromantic. Where was the passionate love story? Where was the emotional connection?
But as I studied her role in David’s life, I began to understand something crucial: Maacah gave David something he couldn’t give himself—external validation of his worth and position.
The Honor He Couldn’t Give Himself
By the time David married Maacah, he was already king over Judah, but he was still fighting to unite all of Israel under his rule. The northern tribes hadn’t yet accepted him. Many still saw him as the shepherd boy who got lucky, not as God’s chosen king.
David could declare his worth all day long, but what he needed was for others—especially other people of influence and authority—to recognize and affirm his position.
This is when I realized something profound about my spouse: He needs me to honor him not just because he’s a good man (though he is), but because honoring him validates his position as the leader of our family.
When I respect my husband publicly, when I speak well of him to others, when I defer to his leadership in front of our children, I’m not just being nice. I’m affirming his God-given role and giving him something he cannot give himself: external validation of his worth and authority.
The Difference Between Love and Honor
Here’s what took me years to understand:
Love says, “I care about you.” Honor says, “I respect who you are and the position you hold.”
I have loved my husband from the day we met. But I didn’t always honor him. I would criticize his decisions in front of others. I would correct him when he was telling stories. I would make little jokes at his expense. I thought it was harmless because I loved him—surely he knew I didn’t mean anything by it?
But what I didn’t know is by doing so, I was dishonoring him. I was undermining his position as my husband and the leader of our family. I was communicating to everyone around us—including our children—that I didn’t really respect his authority or value his leadership. What a shock!
Maacah’s example taught me that honor isn’t just about feelings; it’s about behavior that publicly affirms someone’s worth and position.
What Honor Looks Like in Marriage
1. Public Respect
Maacah’s marriage to David sent a clear message to everyone who witnessed it: “This man is worthy of a princess.” Every time she appeared at his side, every time she was introduced as “Queen Maacah, wife of King David,” she was publicly honoring his position.
In our marriages, this means:
- Speaking positively about our husbands to others
- Not contradicting or correcting them in public
- Referring to them respectfully in front of our children
- Supporting their decisions publicly (even if we discuss concerns privately)
2. Positional Acknowledgment
Maacah understood that David wasn’t just her husband—he was the king. She honored both the man and the position he held.
For us, this means recognizing that our husbands aren’t just our partners—they’re the leaders of our families. This doesn’t mean we become doormats, but it does mean we acknowledge and respect their God-given role.
3. Strategic Support
Maacah’s very presence as David’s wife strengthened his political position. She was an asset to his leadership, not a liability.
We can ask ourselves: Am I an asset to my husband’s leadership or a liability? Do I strengthen his position in our family and community, or do I undermine it?
The Son That Brought Heartbreak
Maacah bore David a daughter Tamar and a son named Absalom, who would later become one of the most beautiful and charismatic men in Israel. However, Absalom also became David’s greatest heartbreak when he led a rebellion against his father and attempted to seize the kingdom.
I used to read this part of the story and wonder if Maacah somehow failed as a mother, if she didn’t teach Absalom to honor his father. But then I realized something important: We can honor our husbands without guaranteeing perfect outcomes.‘
Maacah couldn’t control her son’s choices any more than we can control all the results of our honoring behavior. But that doesn’t mean the honor was wasted or meaningless. David needed to know that his wife respected his position, even when his son didn’t.
Did you know her name Maacah (sometimes spelled Maachah) is of Hebrew origin. It is generally understood to mean “oppression,” “to press,” or “crush? When you look at the fates of her children, Absalom and Tamar, the irony is stark and deeply poignant.
When Honor Feels Impossible
I know some of you are reading this and thinking, “But what if my husband doesn’t deserve honor? What if he’s failing as a leader? What if he’s making decisions that hurt our family?”
This is where Maacah’s story becomes even more instructive. We don’t know if David was always an honorable king. We know he made terrible mistakes—adultery, murder, and poor parenting decisions. Yet the Bible never records Maacah withdrawing her honor or publicly shaming him.
When you honor yourf husband, you are not saying he never makes mistakes. You are saying:
- I respect the position God has given him in our family
- I believe in who he’s becoming, not just who he is today
- I choose to build him up rather than tear him down
- I will support his leadership even when it’s imperfect
The Honor Deficit in Modern Marriage
I think one of the reasons many marriages struggle today is that we’ve lost sight of this need for honor. We’ve become so focused on equality (which is important) that we’ve forgotten about the unique ways men and women need to be loved.
Women generally need to feel cherished, protected, and valued for who they are. Men generally need to feel respected, trusted, and honored for their role and contributions.
This doesn’t mean men don’t need love or women don’t need respect—we all need both. But when our spouses feel honored and respected, they naturally become more loving and cherishing toward us. And when we feel cherished and loved, we naturally want to honor and respect the more.
Practical Ways to Honor Your Husband
This Week’s Challenge:
Monday: Public Praise
Find one opportunity to speak positively about your husband to someone else. Let him overhear you if possible. Focus on his character, his efforts, or his role as your husband.
Tuesday: Positional Respect
Practice deferring to your husband’s leadership in one small area where you might normally take charge. Ask his opinion before making a decision that affects the family.
Wednesday: Legacy Honor
Talk to your children about their father in ways that build respect for his position and role. Share a story about his character, his hard work, or his love for the family.
Thursday: Private Affirmation
Tell your husband specifically why you respect him. Not just what he does, but who he is and the position he holds in your family.
Friday: Strategic Support
Identify one area where your husband is trying to lead or make positive changes. Find a way to support his efforts publicly and practically.
Weekend: Honor His Interests
Show respect for something your husband cares about that you might not fully understand. Ask questions, show interest, or support his involvement without trying to change or control it.
The Ripple Effect of Honor
Here’s what I’ve discovered about honoring your spouse: it creates a positive cycle in your marriage. When I honor him, several things happen:
- He feels more confident in his leadership, which makes him want to be a better leader.
- He becomes more loving toward you because he feels safe and respected in the relationship.
- Your children learn to respect their father, which strengthens your entire family dynamic.
- Other people see your marriage as something to admire, which gives you opportunities to influence other couples positively.
- You feel more attracted to him because there’s something deeply attractive about a man who feels confident and respected.
When Your Husband Isn’t Leading Well
“But what if my husband isn’t leading well? What if he’s passive, or making poor decisions, or not taking responsibility?”
This is where honoring becomes both more challenging and more important. Sometimes our husbands aren’t leading well because they don’t feel like we trust them to lead. Sometimes they’ve withdrawn from leadership because they’ve been criticized or undermined so much that they’ve given up trying.
Honoring a struggling leader isn’t about pretending everything is fine—it’s about calling out his potential and creating space for growth.
You might say:
- “I know you care about our family’s future, and I trust you to make good decisions for us.”
- “I respect your heart to provide for us, and I want to support you however I can.”
- “I believe in your ability to lead our family well.”
The Maacah Method: Honor Through Alliance
Maacah’s marriage to David was ultimately about alliance—two kingdoms coming together for mutual benefit and strength. In the same way, when we honor our husbands, we’re creating an alliance rather than a competition.
- Instead of: “I’m right and you’re wrong.” Try: “We’re on the same team working toward the same goals.”
- Instead of: “You always mess this up.” Try: “I believe in your ability to handle this.”
- Instead of: “I don’t trust your judgment,” Try: “Help me understand your thinking on this.”
Let us pray
Dear God,
Help me understand the difference between love and honor, and give me wisdom to offer both to my husband. Show me how to respect his position even when his performance isn’t perfect. Help me see him through your eyes, not just who he is today, but who he’s becoming. Give me opportunities to build him up publicly and privately. Make our marriage an alliance that strengthens both of us and brings honor to You. Help me be the kind of wife who calls out the king in her husband, just as Maacah’s very presence affirmed the king in David.
In Jesus’ name. Amen.
Next week: Part 6 – Haggith: The Danger of Competing for His Attention
We’ll explore how David’s relationship with Haggith teaches us about the destructive nature of competition in marriage and how to create unity instead of rivalry.
How can you begin showing more honor to your spouse this week? What would change in your marriage if he felt truly respected and valued by you? Share your thoughts in the comments—I’d love to hear how this perspective might transform your relationship.
With love,
Faith Murithi, FAMU.
Faith. Align. Move. Unfold.
P.S. If you’ve been more focused on loving your husband than honoring him, don’t feel guilty, just start where you are. Small acts of honor and respect can create profound changes in how your husband sees himself and his role in your family. Remember, you’re not just building a marriage, you’re building a godly legacy.
Honor makes one strive to be better.
I agree with you Irene.