What King David’s Wives Taught Me About My Husband’s Heart
Part 6 of a 9-Part Series for Wives Who Want to Understand Their Husbands Deeply
The Danger of Competing for His Attention
Haggith was the fifth wife of King David and the mother of Adonijah, David’s fourth son (2 Samuel 3:4). Her name means “festive” or “joyful,” yet her story reveals how joy can quickly turn to destructive ambition when we lose sight of God’s design for our relationships.
Dear Fellow Wives,
We’ve journeyed through:-
- 1. ✓ Belief with Michal,
- 2. ✓ Presence with Ahinoam,
- 3. ✓ Wise influence with Abigail, and
- 4. ✓ Honor with Maacah.
Today, I want to share perhaps the most challenging lesson I’ve learned from David’s wives—one that took me years to understand and even longer to apply.
It comes from studying Haggith, the fifth wife of King David whose story reveals a destructive pattern that I see wreaking havoc in most relationships today: the dangerous trap of competing for our husbands’ attention instead of creating unity in our relationship.
Her story is brief but profound, and it taught me something that completely changed how I approach my marriage: When we compete with our husbands instead of becoming one with them, we create the very distance we’re trying to close.
Meeting Haggith: The Mother of a Rival
Haggith appears in Scripture primarily as the mother of Adonijah, David’s fourth son. However, what’s significant about her story is that Adonijah grew up to become one of David’s greatest disappointments —a son who directly competed with his father for the throne and ultimately had to be executed for treason.
When I first studied Haggith’s place in David’s household, I was struck by how little we know about her relationship with David compared to some of his other wives. There are no recorded conversations, no intimate moments, no evidence of deep connection. What we do see is a woman whose son felt entitled to compete with his father for the very thing that defined David’s identity—his throne.
This made me wonder: Was Haggith competing with David in ways that taught her son to do the same?
The Competition I Didn’t Recognize
For years, I thought I was a supportive wife. I loved my spouse, I encouraged his dreams, I wanted him to succeed. But as I studied Haggith’s story, I began to recognize a pattern in my relationship that made me deeply uncomfortable.
I was competing with my spouse in ways I didn’t even realize. For example:-
- For attention from our children. When he was disciplining them, I would step in with a gentler approach, subtly communicating that I was the “good parent” and he was too harsh.
- For social recognition. At gatherings, I would tell funnier stories, give better advice, be more charming—unconsciously trying to outshine him instead of complementing him.
- For spiritual leadership. I would correct his theology, suggest better ways to lead family devotions, or take over when I felt he wasn’t being spiritual enough.
- For financial control. I would question his spending decisions, override his choices, or make purchases without consulting him because I “knew better.”
I thought I was helping our marriage by being capable and involved. What I was actually doing was creating a rivalry that pushed us apart instead of pulling us together.
The Heart Behind Competition
Here’s what I learned about why we compete with our husbands: Competition usually comes from fear, not malice.
We’re afraid he’ll make the wrong decision, so we compete for control. We’re afraid the children won’t respect him, so we compete for their affection. We’re afraid others won’t see his value, so we compete for social recognition. We’re afraid he won’t step up, so we compete by stepping in.
But here’s the painful truth: Our competition often creates the very thing we’re afraid of.
When we compete with our husbands for our children’s affection, we undermine their respect for their father. When we compete for control, we communicate that we don’t trust his judgment. When we compete for recognition, we diminish his confidence in social settings. When we compete by always stepping in, we train him to step back.
Adonijah’s Tragic Example
Adonijah’s story is heartbreaking because it illustrates the consequences of competition. Instead of learning to honor his father and work within the family structure, he grew up believing he could—and should—compete for his father’s position.
When David was old and weak, Adonijah declared himself king without his father’s knowledge or blessing. He gathered supporters, held a coronation feast, and tried to take by force what was never meant to be his.
“Then Adonijah son of Haggith put himself forward and said, ‘I will be king.’ So he got chariots and horses ready, with fifty men to run ahead of him.” – 1 Kings 1:5
The result? Division, betrayal, and ultimately death.
Haggith’s competitive spirit led to devastating results:
- Family division – The kingdom was split between Adonijah’s supporters and Solomon’s (1 Kings 1:7-10)
- Broken relationships – Father and son became enemies (1 Kings 1:13-21)
- Ultimate failure – Adonijah’s rebellion failed, and he eventually lost his life (1 Kings 2:13-25)
- Legacy of strife – The family never fully recovered from this betrayal
I wondered: Did Adonijah learn this competitive spirit by watching his mother compete with his father? Did he grow up in a home where competition was normalized instead of unity being modeled? This sobered me because I realized my children were watching how I interacted with their father. Was I teaching them to compete with authority or to work within it? Was I modeling unity or rivalry?
The Difference Between Helping and Competing
“But wait,” you might be thinking, “I’m not competing—I’m helping! When I step in, it’s because I see something that needs to be fixed.”
I understand this completely because I used to think the same thing. Here’s what helped me distinguish between the two:
- Helping builds your husband up. Competing tears him down.
- Helping happens privately first. Competing happens publicly first.
- Helping asks permission. Competing assumes authority.
- Helping strengthens his position. Competing undermines it.
- Helping creates teamwork. Competing creates rivalry.
Let me give you some examples:
- Competing: Correcting your husband in front of the children. Helping: Discussing your concerns privately and supporting his public decisions
- Competing: Taking over when he’s handling a situation differently than you would. Helping: Asking privately if there’s a way you can support his approach
- Competing: Being the “fun parent” when he has to be the disciplinarian.
- Helping: Backing up his discipline and presenting a united front
- Competing: Making major decisions without consulting him because you know he’ll disagree.
- Helping: Working through disagreements until you reach a decision together.
The Unity King David Needed
Looking at David’s life, I see a man who desperately needed unity at home because he faced so much opposition outside his house. He had enemies trying to kill him, political rivals undermining his authority, and constant pressure from leading a nation.
What David needed from his wives was not more competition, but a refuge of unity and support.
The wives who seemed to have the deepest connection with David—like Abigail—were those who brought unity rather than rivalry to the relationship. They were allies, not competitors.
This changed everything about how I approach challenges in my marriage. Instead of asking “How can I fix this?” I started asking “How can we solve this together?”
Creating Unity Instead of Competition
1. The Team Mindset
Instead of seeing disagreements as battles to win, I learned to see them as problems to solve together. We’re not opponents—we’re teammates facing challenges.
When my husband wants to handle our finances differently than I would, instead of competing for control, I ask: “What are we both trying to achieve here? How can we work together to reach that goal?”
2. The Complement Principle
God designed marriage so that two people become one, not so that one person becomes unnecessary. Our differences are meant to complement each other, not compete.
Where my husband is cautious, I can be encouraging (not pushy). Where I’m detail-oriented, he can be big-picture focused (not careless). Where he’s logical, I can be emotionally intuitive (not manipulative).
3. The Private-First Rule
Unity requires that we handle disagreements privately before they become public issues.
This means:
- Discussing parenting disagreements away from the children
- Working through financial decisions before making purchases
- Resolving conflicts before they affect social situations
- Supporting each other publicly even when we disagree privately
The Antidote to Competition: Love and Humility
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” – Philippians 2:3-4
The cure for competitive marriage is found in:
- 1. Sacrificial Love – Choosing your spouse’s good over your own advantage (1 Corinthians 13:4-5)
- 2. Humble Service – Looking for ways to build up rather than compete (Mark 10:43-44)
- 3. Secure Identity – Finding your worth in Christ, not in winning (Ephesians 2:10)
- 4. Eternal Perspective – Focusing on what matters for eternity, not temporary victories (Colossians 3:2)
Practical Steps to Unity
This Week’s Challenge:
Monday: Identify Competition Patterns
Honestly assess where you might be competing with your husband instead of supporting him. Look at areas like parenting, finances, social situations, and decision-making.
Tuesday: Choose One Area to Change
Pick one specific area where you’ve been competing and commit to supporting his leadership instead. Start small and be consistent.
Wednesday: Private Before Public
Practice the private-first rule. If you disagree with a decision he’s made, discuss it with him privately before taking any action.
Thursday: Team Language
Change your language from “I think you should…” to “How can we…” or “What if we tried…” Practice speaking as teammates rather than opponents.
Friday: Public Support
Find one opportunity to publicly support your husband’s decision or leadership, especially in an area where you might have previously competed.
Weekend: Gratitude for Differences
Thank your husband for ways his approach complements yours, even in areas where you might naturally compete. Celebrate your differences instead of fighting them.
A Prayer for Unity
Heavenly Father, forgive me for the times I’ve chosen competition over collaboration in my marriage. Help me to see my husband as my partner, not my opponent. Give me a heart that celebrates his victories and supports his dreams. Replace my insecurities with confidence in Your love for me. Help us to work together as one team for Your glory. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Moving Forward Together
Friends, Haggith’s story doesn’t have to be yours. You can choose a different path – one of partnership, support, and mutual encouragement. When you feel the urge to compete, remember that in God’s design for marriage, there are no losers, only teammates working together toward a common goal.
Your marriage is not a battleground to be won, but a garden to be cultivated together. Choose today to water it with love, tend it with care, and watch it bloom into something beautiful for God’s glory.
“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” – 1 Peter 4:8
Next week: Join me as we explore Part 7 and meet Eglah, David’s sixth wife, and discover lessons about finding contentment in the background roles of marriage.
With love,
Faith Murithi, FAMU.
Faith. Align. Move. Unfold.
