Navigating the Vulnerable Seasons
Years ago, in my early years of marriage, I came across something that stopped me in my tracks while reading “The Walk Out Woman: When Your Heart is Empty and Your Dreams are Lost” by Dr. Steve Stephens and Alice Gray. The authors identify five particularly vulnerable phases that marriages encounter, and as I read through them as a young wife, I found myself nodding in recognition. These weren’t just theoretical concepts – they were real seasons I was beginning to experience myself.
Over the years, as I’ve worked with numerous wives, I’ve seen these patterns play out repeatedly. I want to share my thoughts on these phases because I believe understanding them can equip you as a wife to not just survive these seasons, but to emerge stronger and more united with your spouse.
Think of these vulnerable phases as cracks in your marriage jar – not fatal breaks, but places that need a little more attention and repair. With the right tools and God’s grace, these cracks can become places of beautiful restoration.
The Five Vulnerable Phases – My Reflections
As I read through these phases years ago, I was struck by how universal yet unique each one is. Now, having walked through many of these seasons myself and witnessed them in the lives of countless wives I’ve worked with, I can see the patterns more clearly. Here’s what has stood out to me over the years:
1. Before the First Anniversary
The first year of marriage is a beautiful yet challenging transition. You’re learning to blend two distinct lives, backgrounds, and expectations into one unified partnership. The honeymoon phase gives way to the reality of daily life together, and suddenly, those charming quirks might feel less charming.
This phase requires tremendous grace, patience, and the humility to communicate openly about your needs and expectations.
“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” – Ephesians 4:2
2. First Year of the Firstborn
The arrival of your first child transforms your marriage in ways you never anticipated. Sleep deprivation, hormonal changes, financial pressures, and the overwhelming responsibility of caring for a tiny human can leave both spouses feeling disconnected and overwhelmed.
Remember that this season, though intense, is temporary. Your marriage needs intentional nurturing even when it feels like there’s no time or energy left.
3. The Seven Year Itch (4-9 Years)
This vulnerable phase typically occurs anywhere from the fourth to the ninth year of marriage, though it’s commonly referred to as the “seven-year itch.” During this season, many couples experience restlessness or dissatisfaction as the initial excitement of marriage has settled into routine. You might find yourself questioning whether this is all there is, or feeling like you and your husband have grown apart or become like roommates rather than lovers.
This is actually a normal part of marriage growth – an invitation to recommit, rediscover each other, and choose love again with deeper understanding.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.” – 1 Corinthians 13:4
4. Launching the Youngest Child
Empty nest syndrome affects marriages profoundly. After years of child-centered living, you and your husband must rediscover who you are as a couple. This can feel awkward or even lonely at first, but it’s also an incredible opportunity to fall in love again and create new dreams together.
5. Extended Periods of Stress
Whether it’s job loss, illness, caring for aging parents, or other prolonged challenges, extended stress can strain even the strongest marriages. During these times, it’s crucial to remember that you’re teammates, not adversaries. The stress is the enemy, not each other.
When Multiple Phases Collide
Sometimes life doesn’t follow a neat timeline, and you may find yourself facing two or even three vulnerable phases simultaneously. Perhaps you’re dealing with the seven-year itch while also navigating extended stress from a job loss. Or maybe you’re launching your youngest child while caring for aging parents and facing health challenges of your own.
When vulnerable phases overlap, the intensity can feel overwhelming. You might feel like you’re drowning, wondering if your marriage can survive this perfect storm. Take heart – it can, and you can emerge stronger than before.
Remember These Truths:
- Multiple challenges don’t mean multiple failures – they mean you need multiple measures of grace
- God’s strength is made perfect in your weakness, especially when that weakness feels multiplied
- Your marriage isn’t broken; it’s being refined under pressure
- This season will pass, but the character and resilience you build will remain
Practical Steps for Overlapping Phases:
- Prioritize ruthlessly: You can’t do everything perfectly right now, and that’s okay
- Lower your expectations temporarily: This isn’t the season for Pinterest-perfect anything
- Communicate constantly: Keep your husband informed about your struggles and needs
- Accept help: This is not the time for independence – lean on your support system
- Focus on survival, not thriving: Some seasons are about getting through, not getting ahead
Recognizing the Warning Signs
Just as physical symptoms alert us to illness, there are emotional and relational warning signs that indicate you’re entering a vulnerable phase:
General Warning Signs:
- Increased irritability or criticism toward your husband
- Feeling emotionally distant or disconnected
- Loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed together
- Frequent thoughts of “Is this all there is?”
- Comparing your marriage to others (especially on social media)
- Feeling overwhelmed by daily responsibilities
- Decreased physical affection or intimacy
- Communication is becoming more about logistics than connection
Phase-Specific Warning Signs:
- Phase 1: Shock at how different married life is from expectations
- Phase 2: Feeling like you’ve lost your identity beyond “mom”
- Phase 3: Boredom, restlessness, or fantasizing about different life choices
- Phase 4: Anxiety about what your marriage will look like without children at home
- Phase 5: Feeling like you and your husband are just surviving, not thriving
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” – Proverbs 4:23
Your Role as a Wise Wife
Understanding these vulnerable phases empowers you to:
1. Prepare Your Heart: When you know challenging seasons are normal, you can approach them with realistic expectations rather than panic or despair.
2. Communicate Proactively: Share this knowledge with your husband. When you both understand that certain phases are naturally more difficult, you can work together as allies rather than feeling like something is wrong with your marriage.
3. Seek Support: Don’t walk through these seasons alone. Surround yourself with wise mentors, godly friends, and professional help when needed.
4. Practice Intentional Love: During vulnerable phases, love becomes more of a choice than a feeling. Choose to serve, encourage, and support your husband even when it’s difficult.
Walking Forward with Hope
Remember that every challenging season in your marriage is also an opportunity for growth, deeper intimacy, and renewed commitment. God designed marriage to be a refining process that shapes us into the women He’s called us to be.
These vulnerable phases aren’t signs of failure – they’re invitations to trust God more deeply, love more intentionally, and emerge stronger together. Your marriage can not only survive these seasons but thrive through them when you approach them with wisdom, grace, and unwavering faith in God’s plan for your union.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28
Questions for Self-Reflection
Ask yourself honestly:
- Which phase(s) are you currently experiencing?
- What warning signs are you noticing in your marriage?
- How is your relationship with God influencing your marriage?
- What expectations do you need to adjust?
- Where do you need to extend more grace – to your husband or yourself?
Check out the next post on ‘How to Counter the Five Marriage’s Vulnerable Phases‘.
With love,
Faith Murithi, FAMU.
Faith. Align. Move. Unfold.
